The day I said goodbye

18 June. I don't know if I'll ever forget this date.

We went for our emergency appointment that morning where the Doc did her usual ultrasound scan where we saw the bunlet and got the news which brought my world to a halt.

The baby had barely grown since our visit 2 weeks ago, it still measured at about 6 weeks and 6 days and more importantly, no heartbeat could be detected.

At that time, I could hear what the Doc was saying, but it didn't seem real. She told me that I'll need to do an evacuation of the womb, either at 2pm that day or I could have it done on Monday. I think my head was working on behalf of my heart that day coz I made the decision pretty quickly, opting to have it done on the day itself. Dragging it on will keep the baby with me, but what good would it do? Perhaps more bleeding? Chances of infection? So the decision was made and we headed home to prepare for my hospital admission.

I couldn't begin to worry about losing the baby. At that point, I was wondering how to break the news to my parents, but then again, mothers seem to have a 'spidey-sense' when it comes to their kids don't they. Mine seemed to immediately sense that her girl was in trouble. I broke down while telling her what had happened since yesterday evening.

In the midst of all the drama and sadness, I have to say that the hospital I went to was really good. I couldn't imagine going through all the heartache and sadness in a public hospital where I figured that following processes would be more important than that much needed human touch.

My procedure was scheduled for 2pm and I was told to get ready by 1.30pm. Surprise surprise, they did come by at 1.30pm for me and I was wheeled off to the OR where the hubs and my mum walked behind me all the way to the door of the OR.

I have no idea how long I was lying there, waiting for the Doc, but I just waited, silently saying my goodbyes to the little bunlet, strangely not at all scared about what was about to happen to me, other that the fact that they were about to remove something which I've grown attached to in the last 2 months. I focused on the beeping which I think was the heart monitor, and wondered if I could will it to slow down. At some point, the Doc came in, chatted about my hospitalisation leave and I was out for the rest of it.

When I came around, I was back in the ward, no pain, nothing, except that I felt really tired and hungry. I asked for food which I took down pretty fast and the sweet milo was a great source of comfort.

After some time, the hubs arranged for my discharge and we left, one little life less but the healing would take some time....